NRI Meet
The move went well. The job is good, the flat is fine and the photos you send home look great. And then it is Sunday afternoon, nobody has messaged, and the family group chat is asleep because it is the middle of the night in India.
Loneliness is one of the least talked-about parts of NRI life. It does not fit the story of a successful move abroad, so people rarely mention it. But a great many people feel it, especially in the first year or two, around festivals and through the first long winter.
It is also one of the most common reasons people start dating. That can go well. It can also go badly, if loneliness is doing the choosing.
Why it hits so hard abroad
Everything goes at once. At home, if one part of your support falls away, the rest holds you up. Moving abroad removes family, old friends, familiar food and your daily routine all at the same time.
Time zones split your day. By the time you finish work, everyone at home is asleep. By the time they wake up, you are busy. Calls become something you schedule rather than something that happens.
Festivals are hard. Diwali, Onam, Eid or Christmas abroad can be the loneliest days of the year, precisely because you know what is happening at home without you.
Friendships take time. Researchers at the University of Kansas estimated that it takes around 50 hours together to turn an acquaintance into a casual friend, and around 200 hours for a close friend. At home, school and college gave you those hours for free. Abroad, you have to build them.
Loneliness is a poor matchmaker
There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner. But dating mainly to escape loneliness tends to cause problems:
- You move too fast. The relief of having someone makes it easy to skip the slow part where you find out who they are.
- You overlook warning signs. When the alternative is an empty flat, it is tempting to excuse behaviour you would not accept otherwise.
- You put everything on one person. A partner who is your only friend, only confidant and only plan for the weekend carries a weight no relationship should.
- You are easier to target. Romance scams are aimed squarely at lonely people far from home. Someone who seems to understand you perfectly, very quickly, is worth a second look.
Our post on green flags in a relationship describes what a healthy pace looks like.
The better approach is to build a life you enjoy, and date from there. It sounds slower. In practice it usually works faster, because you meet more people, and you are better company when you do.
Build friendships first, or at least alongside
Friendship abroad comes from repetition: seeing the same people, regularly, doing something you both enjoy.
- Join something weekly. A sports team, a running club, a choir, a cooking class, a temple, church or mosque group. Once a week, every week, is what turns strangers into friends.
- Find your community. Regional associations, language groups and cultural societies exist in most cities with a sizeable Indian population. They are especially good around festivals.
- Volunteer. Community events always need help, and working alongside people is the easiest way to get to know them.
- Say yes, and then ask back. Accept invitations, even when you are tired. Then be the one who suggests the next plan. Most people are waiting for someone else to organise.
Our guide to meeting Indian singles abroad covers many of the same places, because the best ways to make friends and the best ways to meet a partner overlap a great deal.
Keep a routine that is yours
Loneliness grows in empty, unstructured time. A routine fills it with things you choose.
Exercise, a regular call home at a time that suits both time zones, a weekly meal you cook properly, a walk on Sunday mornings, a class you look forward to. None of these needs anyone else, and all of them make you steadier, which makes everything else easier, including dating.
Stay close to home, on your terms
Regular contact with family helps, as long as it does not become the only contact you have. A fixed weekly call is often better than constant messaging, because it gives you something to look forward to without pulling your attention back home all the time.
If calls home tend to turn into questions about when you are getting married, our guide on how to answer “when are you getting married?” may help.
Dating, when you are ready
When you do date, a few things help keep it healthy:
- Keep your other plans. Do not cancel your weekly team or your friends for a new match in the first few weeks.
- Let things develop at a normal pace. A video call, then a meeting, then another. Our guide to starting a conversation on a dating app covers the early stages.
- Notice how you feel without them. If a match is the only thing making you feel okay, slow down.
When to get help
Loneliness is common and usually passes as your life abroad fills up. But sometimes it turns into something heavier.
If you feel low most days for more than a couple of weeks, if it is affecting your sleep, appetite or work, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, talk to a doctor or a counsellor. Many employers offer free, confidential counselling through an employee assistance programme, and universities have student wellbeing services. Using them is a sensible step, not a failure. And if you are ever in immediate danger, contact your local emergency number.
The short version
Loneliness is a normal part of moving abroad, and it eases as you build a life. Join something weekly, find your community, keep a routine and stay in touch with home on your terms. Date because you want to share the life you are building, not to escape an empty flat.
You will meet more people that way, and you will be in a much better place when you meet the right one.
When you are ready, NRI Meet is free on iOS and Android.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to feel lonely after moving abroad?
Very. Moving countries removes family, old friends and familiar routines all at once, and new friendships take time to form. Many people feel it most in the first year, around festivals and during the first winter.
Should I start dating to feel less lonely?
Dating can be part of building a life abroad, but it works poorly as the only answer to loneliness. When someone is lonely they tend to rush, overlook warning signs and put too much weight on one person. Building friendships alongside dating makes both go better.
How long does it take to make friends in a new country?
Longer than most people expect. Research has suggested it takes around 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend and around 200 for a close friend. Regular, repeated contact, such as a weekly class or team, is the most reliable way to get there.
When should I get help for loneliness?
If you feel low most days for more than a couple of weeks, if it affects your sleep, appetite or work, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, talk to a doctor or a counsellor. Many employers and universities offer free, confidential counselling, and it is worth using.
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